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The Perpetual Search For Our Comfort Zone

“I’m so uncomfortable, why won’t these people cooperate with me and make my life a little easier.”

My priority is and mine, making sure my children are taken care of and my home runs smoothly. I have enough on my plate and don’t have the time to be inconvenienced by someone else’s problems.

Sound familiar? I know it does to me.

Self-sacrifice and hospitality are an ancient art. Instead of opening our homes and taking the time to listen to others, we are looking at our watches or the screens of our phones. We accomplish so much, yet have nothing to show for it.

We multi-task our family, friends, and lives, for what?

To have a little more time to squeeze in one more thing, to accomplish one more task, and perhaps to take some time for ourselves, as we search for our comfort zone.

Is that all there really is- a perpetual search for our comfort zone?

No one grows in their comfort zone. Although cozy, the lack of challenge causes us to stagnate. Yet whenever we are taken out of our comfort zone we become irritated and frustrated. Assuming that when we face discomfort or inconvenience we have either misread God’s will or have made a mistake.

I was recently reading the story of our Lord’s birth. The road Joseph and Mary took to Jerusalem was a bumpy one. There were no conveniences afforded to them. They carried the greatest treasure in all humanity and still were reduced to homelessness and birth in a dirty stable.

When we do God’s will we are not guaranteed comfort or convenience. Most growth occurs in times of transition when our world is upside down, when we are stretched beyond our capacity.

The Christian life is not for weak or faint of heart. It is for those who are brave enough to live life out of the comfort zone. Those who are willing to tread where others fear and do the seemingly impossible, knowing we serve a God who can do far beyond our wildest dreams.

Let us boldly jump into the uncomfortable, take risks, and dare to dream.

A Real Survivor

They bruised his feet with fetters and placed his neck in an iron collar. Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph’s character (Psalm 105: 19 NLT emphasis added).

Joseph was highly esteemed and loved by his parents. As his father’s favorite, he was considered a child of promise, which seemed to be confirmed by dreams and visions.  While Joseph lived a life of comfort, his brothers were relegated to working in the harsh conditions of the field.

One day, one decision, one betrayal changed Joseph’s life forever. In one moment the child of promise was nothing more than a slave.  Everything was ripped away from him, his home, family and security. He saw evil face to face as the sting of his brothers’ betrayal came into full view.

Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, months into years and still there was no reprieve. All of the visions of his childhood seemed like a forgotten memory. Yet, in spite of every curve ball thrown his way, Joseph persevered. Instead of falling apart, he tried to make the best of the situations in front of him. Through the valley of broken dreams, his character proved to be stronger than the evil that surrounded him.

Joseph is the ultimate example of a survivor. By using his God given talents those around him were able to look past his title and see his ability. As a slave, he was promoted. As a prisoner, he was promoted. Wherever he went he made something out of nothing.

He was labeled a slave, falsely accused as a rapist, and imprisoned as a criminal. Although society placed these labels on him, Joseph did not accept them for himself. He continued to honor God with his life and worked in excellence.  What Joseph didn’t know was that through the unfairness of it all  God was testing and molding his character.

Like the verse above states, there is an appointed time for everything. Joseph had big dreams. In the midst of his suffering, these dreams seemed impossible. Although Joseph was overlooked and abandoned by everyone in his life, God never forgot him. When the appointed time came, in an instant, God changed the trajectory of Joseph’s life. He went from slave/criminal to a world leader as second in command in the strongest nation of the world.

Through adversity and injustice He was faithful. Those seventeen years of adversity were Joseph’s training ground. His heart was humbled and molded in such a way that he could be effective in a place of authority but still be empathetic to the needs of the people.

Joseph lived a long successful life. The memory of his suffering and injustice became a chapter, not the defining moment in the story of his life. The adversity he overcame turned out to be a stepping-stone into his future.  

Cheated Out of Love?

I love poetry. The depth of expression touches my soul.  Last night I met some amazing people at a poetry reading, people from all walks of life, differing ages and personalities. I was most touched by Ray. An elderly gentleman who is best described as a renaissance man.

I had a great time listening to all the poetic expressions from “on the fly” to careful construction.  Close to the end of the evening Ray decided to quote a poem near and dear to his heart. He dedicated it to his wife who passed away 26 years ago. From the moment he began speaking I was overwhelmed with emotion. All I could do was lower my head as the tears streamed down.

I was surprised at this surge of emotion. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. The excruciating pain of my past life seems foreign, as I am so far removed from it. I’ve been trying to process the reason I was so affected.

From the moment I met Ray, I was drawn to his magnetism. He is so effervescent; one could not help but fall in love with his personality. As he spoke about the great love of his life, my heart broke. I immediately drew inward.

I felt the great love Ray carried for his wife. He vowed she was his one and only sweetheart and no other could take her place.  Every woman wants to be cherished that way. As I thought about it I realized the tears came from disappointment. I was cheated out of a love like that. I knew it even while I was married.

Healing is progressive. With God’s help I have made many strides forward, but as last night demonstrated other areas of my heart still need mending.

I carry the hope that one day I too will have a beautiful love story. I want to pass that legacy unto my own children.  For them to see the beauty in marriage and  that true love does last a lifetime.

Until then, I will wait on the Lord. I don’t want to cheat myself out of the opportunity to experience this union.  I will patiently wait for the one God has for me… the one who will grow old with me and be my dance partner for life.  

Forever Love

For the True Love of My Life

I give my life to you, O Forever Love
For you have shown me the purest of love.
As You take my hand, security comes through.
When others reject me because I’m unlovely,
I look in Your eyes and see a reflection of beauty.
As You lift me up in Your embrace, a smile shines on my face
As we dance the night away, joy fills this once empty place.
O Forever Love may it always be like this,
As I bask in Your exquisite light for all eternity.

Bob and Tracy

I recently had the opportunity to work with Bob and Tracy (fictitious names to preserve privacy) who have been married for over 7 years and have 2 children, ages 6 and 2. The union was severed because of Bob’s ongoing extramarital affairs, which resulted in the pregnancy of his current mistress.

This couple has only been separated for a couple of months and the news of the pregnancy was shocking to Tracy. Emotionally and financially devastated, Tracy was now forced to move into her mother’s home and share a bedroom with her two sons.

Although Bob made decisions that caused catastrophic impacts on Tracy’s life and their 2 sons, I didn’t notice any hint of resentment or anger in Tracy’s interactions with him. Throughout our time together Tracy and Bob were at peace with each other. This surprised me, especially this soon after a betrayal.

I commented on their interactions and asked Tracy where her source of strength derived. She was adamant her strength came from a relationship with Jesus. That it was because of Him she has been able to genuinely forgive Bob and desire the best for his life. When she forgave she was able to release Bob and no longer let his betrayal impact her future.

Tracy found what many of us are still seeking. In the arms of Jesus she found comfort for her broken heart and a hope for her future. God gave Tracy the grace to forgive Bob. As a result, Tracy was finally able to move on with her life.

Everyday she is taking steps forward toward a better future. Her relationship with Jesus has given her peace and helped her overcome the depression she encountered as the life she knew was destroyed. Only Christ can bring wholeness and healing out of a desperate situation. Because Tracy submitted her life to God, He built a supernatural strength in her that is helping her overcome. The road has been hard, but God’s perfect love is seeing her through.

The Search

Little girl searching

Body of a woman wasting

Tears shed as she is discarded once more

Broken hearted with her face to the floor

Am I not worthy of love?

All the while her Maker weeps as she gives herself away

Longing to heal the brokenness from the lack of embrace

Arms wide open, there He stands

With a precious rose in His hands

You are beautiful my child, so dear to Me

Come let Me show you what you were created to be

I have made you precious with a beauty so rare

Not so that others can dampen your flair

You are my daughter, a sight to behold

A precious gem shimmering with gold

My love for you is greater than you see

And your worth is found only in Me

I value you deeply and long for your love

Take My hand and I'll lavish you with joy from above

In Me you are new

Trust, I'll show you what to do

It’s a new journey, one step at a time

Where you will find peace of mind

Come as you are all tattered and bruised

Come to me and I will make you anew

The reflection you see is not what I planned

I will give you a new heart, your future is in My hands

The acceptance and love you’ve searched all along

Is here in My arms, right where you belong

Come and receive the goodness in store
For you are not alone anymore

- Cary Sanchez

Live and Speak Truth

“The time is coming when everything that is covered up will be revealed, and all that is secret will be made known to all. Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear!” Luke 12:2-3 (NLT)


Tell the truth. Simple enough, right?

Speaking truth is not always easy. We are often inclined to sugarcoat or deny a situation. It’s just easier that way. Under the fluorescent light every flaw is exposed and the reflection of the full-length mirror is overwhelming. So we cover up, make excuses and rationalize because we fear the truth. We don’t want to look at it and we certainly don’t want others to notice. It’s easier to avert our gaze and pretend it’s not there.

How can we speak truth when we can’t even face it for ourselves? We speak partial truth and believe the lie. This lack of authenticity permeates every part of our being resulting in either denial or hypocrisy.

Denial is a powerful force. It heals for a time, but in the end brings destruction. The destruction begins slowly as we continue to lose more of ourselves to wishful thinking. I speak from experience. For years I lived in a nebulous between denial, faith and wishful thinking. Although the truth of my situation stared at me, I couldn’t face it. How could I accept something so cruel? My heart knew it all along, it was my mind that wouldn’t accept it.

My heart ached, my mind rationalized. Yet the awful truth remained…my husband didn’t love me.

I lived in denial – he lived as a hypocrite. Although motivated by different factors, the outcome was the same. The truth was veiled.                  

 

Hypocrite	Denial/Sugar Coater
Think of themselves	Think of others and themselves
Concerned with appearance	Concerned with self preservation
Motivator: guilt/shame, greed, outward compliance with inward rebellion	Motivator: fear and comfort
Lying to the world	Lying to themselves
Want to please themselves	Want to please others

To speak truth, we must face it. Being transparent takes courage. Confronting the reality of my situation caused immeasurable pain. It forced me to take a hard look at my life and understand how I contributed to my marriage’s demise. As I faced the full-length mirror with its fluorescent lighting I was horrified by the reflection. There I stood, bare and exposed. A fraud. The woman everyone assumed was so strong, war torn and tattered.

I cried many tears in front of that mirror. I loathed the reflection. It was hard to face, but I needed to face it in order to rebuild the broken ruins of my life. I couldn’t just “pray through it” and expect God to miraculously intervene. No. This was something I needed to face. He wanted me to understand the brokenness so I could learn from it and grow.

The image of that tattered reflection still haunts me. I never want to go back to being that person who put on a smile for the world to see, while my life was falling apart. I don’t want to deny situations because they are too difficult to bear. It’s still a struggle for me to live and speak truth. I have to push myself to do it. Sometimes it means not saying a thing and being at ease in the silence, or instead of rushing to give an answer, I take the time to gather my thoughts then respond. Other times it means confronting difficult situations.

Transparency includes vulnerability and coming to terms with our flaws. Fear, expectations and opinions entice us to revert to old patterns of hypocrisy or denial. But I’ve made the decision to take off the mask and be authentic. It is a daring venture. Many will not like this, but to the rest, I hope to inspire you to so the same.

 

 

 

 

Not a Candle but a Flame

“Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!” (Matthew 6:22-23 NLT).

The eye refers to our spiritual insight and closeness to God. When we are filled with the light and truth of God our perception is clear allowing us to discern correctly. The closer we draw to God the more radiant our light. We become a flaming torch igniting and encouraging others to a deeper faith. Our souls burning with flames so strong no dousing of negativity can extinguish it.

Many are living life with a dimmer with eyes adjusted to the darkness. When the switch is turned on the intensity can’t be ignored. When the muted colors come to life a choice must be made, either cover our face and continue in darkness or embrace and adjust to the light.  

Christ gave the best of Himself so we can live in the fullness of His glory, not a muted life shrouded in grey. The death and resurrection of Christ frees us from a life of darkness. 

Personally, I want to shine so bright with the power and love of Christ those around me will either shine brighter or put on shades. May the transformative light of Christ emanate from every pore of our being. Amen!

Why Can't I Get Through To You?!

Have you ever tried to make someone understand your point, but no amount of reason or logic worked? This can be extremely frustrating and exhausting for all parties involved. I have been on the giving and receiving end of these debates. After hitting my head against several walls, I finally understand a simple truth, we cannot change people. That is not our job. Sounds so simplistic and it’s something I should have learned years ago. This would have saved me much heartache and pain. The reality is a person’s choice reflects their heart. We cannot do more for others than they are willing to do for themselves.

In the verses below we see a similar situation in which Jesus, God incarnate, is speaking plainly about who He is and His mission. As the verses below demonstrate, there are people who will never understand and refuse to listen to anyone even the One who gave divine logic.

“Jesus told them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, because I have come to you from God. I am not here on my own, but he sent me. Why can’t you understand what I am saying? It’s because you can’t even hear me! For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don’t believe me! Which of you can truthfully accuse me of sin? And since I am telling you the truth, why don’t you believe me? Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God”’ (John 8:42-47 NLT emphasis added).

The Pharisees and Sadducees of the day chose religion and custom over a relationship with the one true God. Their religion was based on self-sufficiency and keeping man made regulations. Keeping the law became a status symbol which comprised of give and takes. They looked to the law as a means to prosperity both in this world and in eternity. Because of their spiritual blindness, they attacked the God they claimed to serve and missed who was standing right in front of them.

When we willingly choose a way of life contrary to God’s standards our eyes become blind to the truth. This blindness causes us to base our reasoning on our human finite logic and we are no longer open to God’s words and His guidance.

God wants to bless us, but He cannot bless and protect those who willingly reject Him. So many want God’s blessings but are unwilling to pay the price.  We cannot make a choice and then choose the outcome.  We cannot jump into a puddle and not get muddy, with the puddle comes the dirt. Similarly, we cannot reject God then expect His provision.

God has established clear boundaries, it is up to us to decide.

^“See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess” (Deuteronomy 30:15-18 NIV).

God gives us all free will; We all have the right to choose. Yet some of us mistakenly think that we can make choices for others. We waste endless amounts of energy trying to convince another of what is best for them or try to impose our solutions on their problems. All of  our well intentioned advice falls on deaf ears, to the frustration of all. Whether we are encountering an abusive spouse, a rebellious child, a difficult parent, a ruthless coworker, etc… we cannot take responsibility for another’s actions. They too have free will. We can however, choose our responses. We do not have to take the burden for another’s poor choice.  Ultimately, we are the ones who choose how others either infect or affect our lives.

How can we implement these responses? Glad you asked J The answer- boundaries, that simple and that complex.

There are Biblical guidelines for setting boundaries. These guidelines are designed to bring reconciliation and peace.

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them” (Matthew 18:15-20 NLT).

1. When someone wrongs us, instead of confronting the situation we may ignore it, gossip or become resentful. We are instructed to go to the person and talk with one on and forgive as often as needed. This enables restoration.

2. If step one is unsuccessful, a private discussion including two or three neutral third parties should take place. These individuals are to serve as mediators in the dispute and help clear any miscommunication or misconceptions. This step is not meant to be vindictive or judgmental. Instead, it is meant to bring resolution to the conflict.

3. If the offending person does not express any repentance for their actions and has willingly decided to continue in destructive behaviors a boundary must be put in place. Although, we need to continue to pray for that person, we must separate ourselves from their destructive patterns.

In the verses before and after, Jesus makes it clear that He does not want any of His sheep to perish, even the wayward ones. There are times, because we do not implement boundaries, we inhibit God’s work in the life of a person. We are so busy trying to save them from the consequences of their actions that we get in the way.  We cannot save someone from their rock bottom, it may be the only way they look up to the One who can save. Our job is to speak the truth in love, forgive, pray for them, and no longer enable destructive patterns. We cannot stop them from pursuing their heart’s desire. It is not our job to change their hearts, that’s something only God can do.

Setting boundaries in a toxic relationship is difficult. A boundary creates a barrier. It means setting clear expectations and limits for yourself and others. It begins with a careful evaluation of the situations in our lives. By looking inward we are better able to identify maladaptive patterns and how we have contributed to the situation. Perhaps we have enabled bad habits or tried to “fix” someone, hoping that if we love them enough then maybe they would change. Maybe we have closed off and ignored the situation or reacted in passive aggressive ways. Whatever it is, if all of our energies are focused on making someone happy and in spite of our efforts, it is “never enough” or if we are only at peace when that person is temporarily satisfied, then we are in emotionally manipulative relationships.

When we allow others to control our happiness, we are hurting ourselves. Emotional manipulation occurs only because we allow it. Once we understand and identify an area that requires change we must be willing to make the decision to speak and live in truth, and stand our ground refusing to be manipulated. We cannot allow other’s choices to continue to dictate our happiness.

Setting boundaries is not an act of selfishness, as those who have been manipulating you may claim. Those in your life will abide, resist or ignore your new stand. Once you have stated your boundary, you must follow through with it. This will require strength of character. If you do not follow through, the boundary is useless. 

We cannot continue to enable other’s destructive behavior patterns. We must seek God in His wisdom, put boundaries in place and allow God to help us move forward in a direction that pleases Him.