Why Can't I Get Through To You?!

Have you ever tried to make someone understand your point, but no amount of reason or logic worked? This can be extremely frustrating and exhausting for all parties involved. I have been on the giving and receiving end of these debates. After hitting my head against several walls, I finally understand a simple truth, we cannot change people. That is not our job. Sounds so simplistic and it’s something I should have learned years ago. This would have saved me much heartache and pain. The reality is a person’s choice reflects their heart. We cannot do more for others than they are willing to do for themselves.

In the verses below we see a similar situation in which Jesus, God incarnate, is speaking plainly about who He is and His mission. As the verses below demonstrate, there are people who will never understand and refuse to listen to anyone even the One who gave divine logic.

“Jesus told them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, because I have come to you from God. I am not here on my own, but he sent me. Why can’t you understand what I am saying? It’s because you can’t even hear me! For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. So when I tell the truth, you just naturally don’t believe me! Which of you can truthfully accuse me of sin? And since I am telling you the truth, why don’t you believe me? Anyone who belongs to God listens gladly to the words of God. But you don’t listen because you don’t belong to God”’ (John 8:42-47 NLT emphasis added).

The Pharisees and Sadducees of the day chose religion and custom over a relationship with the one true God. Their religion was based on self-sufficiency and keeping man made regulations. Keeping the law became a status symbol which comprised of give and takes. They looked to the law as a means to prosperity both in this world and in eternity. Because of their spiritual blindness, they attacked the God they claimed to serve and missed who was standing right in front of them.

When we willingly choose a way of life contrary to God’s standards our eyes become blind to the truth. This blindness causes us to base our reasoning on our human finite logic and we are no longer open to God’s words and His guidance.

God wants to bless us, but He cannot bless and protect those who willingly reject Him. So many want God’s blessings but are unwilling to pay the price.  We cannot make a choice and then choose the outcome.  We cannot jump into a puddle and not get muddy, with the puddle comes the dirt. Similarly, we cannot reject God then expect His provision.

God has established clear boundaries, it is up to us to decide.

^“See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess” (Deuteronomy 30:15-18 NIV).

God gives us all free will; We all have the right to choose. Yet some of us mistakenly think that we can make choices for others. We waste endless amounts of energy trying to convince another of what is best for them or try to impose our solutions on their problems. All of  our well intentioned advice falls on deaf ears, to the frustration of all. Whether we are encountering an abusive spouse, a rebellious child, a difficult parent, a ruthless coworker, etc… we cannot take responsibility for another’s actions. They too have free will. We can however, choose our responses. We do not have to take the burden for another’s poor choice.  Ultimately, we are the ones who choose how others either infect or affect our lives.

How can we implement these responses? Glad you asked J The answer- boundaries, that simple and that complex.

There are Biblical guidelines for setting boundaries. These guidelines are designed to bring reconciliation and peace.

“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. “I tell you the truth, whatever you forbid on earth will be forbidden in heaven, and whatever you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them” (Matthew 18:15-20 NLT).

1. When someone wrongs us, instead of confronting the situation we may ignore it, gossip or become resentful. We are instructed to go to the person and talk with one on and forgive as often as needed. This enables restoration.

2. If step one is unsuccessful, a private discussion including two or three neutral third parties should take place. These individuals are to serve as mediators in the dispute and help clear any miscommunication or misconceptions. This step is not meant to be vindictive or judgmental. Instead, it is meant to bring resolution to the conflict.

3. If the offending person does not express any repentance for their actions and has willingly decided to continue in destructive behaviors a boundary must be put in place. Although, we need to continue to pray for that person, we must separate ourselves from their destructive patterns.

In the verses before and after, Jesus makes it clear that He does not want any of His sheep to perish, even the wayward ones. There are times, because we do not implement boundaries, we inhibit God’s work in the life of a person. We are so busy trying to save them from the consequences of their actions that we get in the way.  We cannot save someone from their rock bottom, it may be the only way they look up to the One who can save. Our job is to speak the truth in love, forgive, pray for them, and no longer enable destructive patterns. We cannot stop them from pursuing their heart’s desire. It is not our job to change their hearts, that’s something only God can do.

Setting boundaries in a toxic relationship is difficult. A boundary creates a barrier. It means setting clear expectations and limits for yourself and others. It begins with a careful evaluation of the situations in our lives. By looking inward we are better able to identify maladaptive patterns and how we have contributed to the situation. Perhaps we have enabled bad habits or tried to “fix” someone, hoping that if we love them enough then maybe they would change. Maybe we have closed off and ignored the situation or reacted in passive aggressive ways. Whatever it is, if all of our energies are focused on making someone happy and in spite of our efforts, it is “never enough” or if we are only at peace when that person is temporarily satisfied, then we are in emotionally manipulative relationships.

When we allow others to control our happiness, we are hurting ourselves. Emotional manipulation occurs only because we allow it. Once we understand and identify an area that requires change we must be willing to make the decision to speak and live in truth, and stand our ground refusing to be manipulated. We cannot allow other’s choices to continue to dictate our happiness.

Setting boundaries is not an act of selfishness, as those who have been manipulating you may claim. Those in your life will abide, resist or ignore your new stand. Once you have stated your boundary, you must follow through with it. This will require strength of character. If you do not follow through, the boundary is useless. 

We cannot continue to enable other’s destructive behavior patterns. We must seek God in His wisdom, put boundaries in place and allow God to help us move forward in a direction that pleases Him.